"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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