Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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