Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
