You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
