if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
A bitchslap is in order.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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