Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?