My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
