oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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