what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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