I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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