Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
