I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
