Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
