I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
