Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
