I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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