he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
not ubering you a puppy
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
