i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.