The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.