i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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