I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
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I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
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1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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