Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
