Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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