you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
