I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
