i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
