Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
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We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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