You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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