Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
