Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
