You smell like a Billy Joel song
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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