Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
