We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
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and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
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I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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