From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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