I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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