He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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