you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
