Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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