I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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