the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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