I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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