Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
