Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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