I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
