I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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