She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
