why im i the only drunk person in the library?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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