cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
