can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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