eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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