every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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