I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
