Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
