I'm lost and stupid without you.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
All I want is dick and wine.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
