after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
