theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
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What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
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My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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